As I try to close up one chapter and move to the next, I’m forced to reflect on my story up until this point in life. The last 3 years have been a tough road, while battling trauma, depression, and PTSD everyday. I have been tired and exhausted for a long time now. However, today I can truly say ” I am proud of you girl”. Today, I officially started my doctorate degree at Duke University. The more knowledge I obtain, the more knowledge I have to share with my community. This degree is for US. Y’all it has been a journey, but I’m so thankful to be here!
I know it may be a struggle, but try to look beyond what is right in front of your eyes.
“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.”
Aristotle Onassis
Don’t get lost in the present moment. I know it may be a struggle, but try to look beyond what is right in front of your eyes.
One thing I learned at the age of 22, is that life keeps moving and the world keeps spinning, whether you are ready for departure or not.
At 22 years of age, as most of you know, I had major back surgery that threatened my ability to walk again. Yes, this was incredibly scary. And yes, my mental well-being took most of the hit.
But, now at 31 years old, I have a different appreciation for my current state of recovery. I am able to REST my mind and body because I am FOCUSED on what’s to come. I know my current state does not define the rest of my future.
While you are drowning it is hard to think about anything besides oxygen. But once you figure out how to swim, remember where you started and FOCUS on where you are heading.
You could think lying on your back would be easy.ย
But…
I can’t even look you in the eyes
While you climb on top and do as you please…
…The Girl on Her Back
Does it even matter if I am in the room. I guess not, because you don’t even notice. Notice that I am not in the mood, notice that it doesn’t feel good, notice that I am only doing this to make you happy. I would be lying though if I told you I had never been here before. But, the confusion is just the same… Shouldn’t it be easy to just lie on your back?
The very tattoo on my back reminds me of moments like this. And, I chose these bright colors for such a dark topic because I still want to shine light on where I am despite the humans that have broken me. That this beautiful girl is able to stand proud despite the darkness she carries within her.
Like the true lotus flower she is.
“It is a symbol of purity.”
LotusFlower,RN
Need Help?
I know this topic can be triggering. So, if you find you are in need of help, here are some resources in the U.S.
Finding help is one of the strongest things you can do in life โค
I made a promise to myself that I wouldnโt lose my self in social media as I conquer one of my biggest fears.ย #rejection
So, instead. You all are going to get the bloopers. The imperfections… I refuse to attempt 1,000 takes and criticize myself for what others MAY think about me.
I have no idea what I am doing here, but I love it because ๐ธ๐โ๐ ๐ผ๐ด. ๐ค๐ค
So, by now you may be wondering what this page is for, or if it will even benefit you to follow . Or , maybe you werenโt ๐ฅด ๐
So, here it is!ย
My goal, first and foremost,ย is always to create community. A space where all feel welcome to share our thoughts and feelings. Without this, itโs impossible for someone to truly find themself.ย
I will be sharing about my life and how I have survived trauma. My hope is to help others find their freedom as well.ย
Mental health is real, and I want to help out warriors, like Simone Biles, who shouldnโt have to carry such heavy weight or be the sole face of mental health.ย
But, there will also be fun and uplifting moments along the way! I plan on having info sessions on breastfeeding tips, healthy living for women , doggie adventures, and get you all discounts on services from around the world. #NetworkIsKey ๐
Because thatโs what community is, itโs about EVERYONE eating , & not sitting at the table alone.ย
Phew thatโs a lot. ๐ฐ But,ย I would expect nothing less from me. I always get told Iโm tew much. Which ALWAYS motivates me to do more. ๐
So, follow me as I take you alongside this journey of life. I will be sharing the raw version of myself thatโs been hiding from most of the world.ย
I want others to feel encouraged to live their same freedom โจโจโจ
You can find me on Instagram , Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, and at lotusflower.com ๐ธ๐ธ
I love our snuggles, our staring contests, dodging you licking my mouth, apologizing to friends for the blessing you left on their carpet your first time there, our tug-a-wars, never being alone (not even to ๐ฉ), and running through the house playing tag like ya girl is 9 again !
Wouldnโt trade YOU for the world.ย
Amani- You showed me parts of love that I didnโt know existed within me. I love you girl ! Thank you for always entertaining my shenanigans, like always finding an excuse to dress you up ๐โ๐ผ. But, more importantly, for being my loyal protecter, my best friend , and my reason for not quitting.
With love,
Your mom, a.k.a. LotusFlower, RN
Post-Op Day #4
7/29, gotcha day!
Yesterday was your โGotcha Day!โ girlfriend !!! And, I cannot began to describe how you have changed my life since adopting you.
I had no idea what I was signing up for when I adopted you. You are the first dog I have ever had.
But now, you are my first true love.ย ๐ค
I never knew how much I needed you, until I had you. You ran into my life when I was scared and broken.
But, you mended my heart and gave me hope again. You gave me a reason to get up and try everyday.
Happiness is such a fluid state of being. I have heard often the quote โHappiness is an inside job.โ It never sat well with me, and in a way made me feel failure when I couldnโt find joy that day or even in that moment.
They were right about it being a job. Itโs HARD work!! Sometimes our brains are in overdrive from traumas and certain lived experiences. Making joy and happiness not an easy goal for our souls to accomplish. And sometimes to be quite honest, something far from our own control.
What I have found though, is the success that comes from affirming my feelings.
Itโs OK to not feel happy all the time. ๐ฌ๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐ “๐๐๐๐ ” ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐.
Itโs OK that this is what my mind has decided to feel. ๐ฐ๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐ burden to bear.
This doesnโt have to be your final destination though. And what matters is eventually finding your avenue to climb out of that space.
LotusFlower_RN
Happiness is like art, we all see it differently. We find beauty in our own unique ways of seeing the world.
So, itโs going to look vastly different for all of us, but if there is someone that believes in you finding it, itโs me ๐ค
Everything from Breast to Below the Waist! 